top of page
  • sermondownloadsnow

A Pastor’s Wife Horror Story and Why You Should Care

Updated: Oct 10, 2022

pastor's wife

In this post, I reveal a Pastor’s Wife horror story and why you should care. Being a Pastor and married, I have a unique perspective on this topic so stay with me!

The Pastor’s Wife is Very Misunderstood

The Pastor’s wife is the most misunderstood and spiritually torn in the church.

She is trapped between a man she loves and a church he leads. She knows that even the slightest bit of turbulence she causes, or is even perceived to have caused, is damaging.

Regardless of popular perception, few of these Godly Women are terrors such as the biblical “Jezebel” who ruled her husband – King Ahab.

Here is a part of her terror towards God’s Prophet Elijah (1st Kings 19:1-3):


One of the liberties we enjoy in Christ Jesus is the freedom to walk out who He created us to be. As a Pastor, I am keenly aware that too often people are not walking in that liberty.

Instead, we scramble to fill a church role which has existed for generations rather than submit to change.

There are many who believe to remain obedient to God, they must show unquestioned obedience to a church leader. A little bit of truth exists in that but these are not always mutually inclusive.

There are times when obedience to a church leader is disobedience to God. Whoa! Any leader outside the will of God places YOU there should you follow sinful requests.

Think about it like this: it is not possible to be a car passenger with someone who has gotten lost and not be lost as well. The Bible asks: “how can two walk together unless they touch and agree”?

If you are walking with, supporting, and encouraging a wayward leader, that is not only ‘agreeing,’ but also “bidding an evildoer god speed.” What is called “loving someone through IT,” God’s calls enabling sin!

Still disagree?

If so, you believe someone can be led down the wrong road yet arrive at the correct destination.

Pastor’s Wife Gets Confused as Well

I knew a Pastor’s wife who was obedient to her husband yet walked outside the will of God. She considered obedience to him obedience to the Lord. This woman was so extraordinarily gifted that I am still heartbroken you have never heard of her.

Worse, you may never either. The last time I saw her in person, she was different and resigned to her defeat. Her gifts drying up because of non-use in God’s service.

I watched this marital conundrum unfold over several years. Her husband was a man of faith except when it came to her. He suffered insecurity where she was concerned.

For the super religious: yes, someone can be insecure yet set apart by God. Ever heard of Gideon? What about Moses, who tried to convince God he was he wrong choice?

Pastor, on a very personal level, believed she was too good for him and thus his insecurity. Don’t misunderstand what I am saying: I love when men treat their wives in a manner befitting a queen!

With divorce rates as high as sixty-three (63%), these ‘islands of love’ are things of beauty. Nevertheless, the Bible speaks against ‘idolatry’ in any form. Pastor’s worship would be appreciated by most women I know but it is still idolatry.

Idolatry means putting something above God. Pastor ran to places of sin to feel “more worthy” of her. This is the textbook example of worshipping idols.

Idolatry takes our eyes off the rightful place of worship (God’s presence) and directs it to something less worthy.

Here is an example of biblical idol worship (Exodus 32:3-4):


This Pastor degenerated to a place that he would even lie to receive ‘extra’ financial assistance from the church. Each time this ‘need’ wound up being something his wife wanted but did not need.

Making unwise financial choices may be no big deal for larger churches. Nevertheless, smaller churches don't watch dollars, we watch pennies!

After coming to ‘the well’ more times than was wise, strong relationships became strained. For instance, he once requested $1,000 to buy her a piece of software. I knew the software well and since the church had so few members, I suggested an alternative.

He became a bit upset at the refusal, but his request was absurd! Not because of the amount requested rather I provided a FREE alternative. This wasn’t the first time either.

She had this “talent” but was neglecting her “gifts” under the guise of “being a good wife.”

Because she was exercising her “talent”, combined with absurd financial requests, trouble began to brew in the church.

A Pastor and Wife's Relationship is the Church’s Concern

Pastor’s wife, in the presence of others, would play manipulative games with his self-esteem issues.

Whether it be money or size of congregation, she politely challenged his manhood openly.

At the same time, she attempted to be a submissive wife. This bled into subduing her natural gifting to please him. He feared her ‘outshining’ him. Some may be thinking: “that is their marriage, and you have no business speaking about what goes on in their home.”

That is a lie from the pit of hell!

If this is your stance, read 1st Timothy 3, in its entirety. As a Pastor, there is no separation with what goes on in my home, spiritually, and the House of God. If my home is broken, the house of God is as well.

Sick people make others so and can hardly guide them to a place of health being yet sick themselves!

Factually, what was going on in Pastor’s home was now affecting his ability to Pastor. He challenged us to be who God called us to be yet was hindering his wife from the same. The congregation saw this and knew it was hypocrisy.

It is the congregation’s business to know how stable (or not) my home is! Can I have an injured back and the rest of your body not be affected? While writing this, I have a heating pad on my sore back, so the answer is NO.

Church Leaders Must be Confronted in Love

I brought observations of what was occurring to my brother. I thought we had an ‘accountability’ based relationship.

As it turned out I was deceived on this point. While he could hold me accountable, the same was not welcome.

In fact, he took the honesty of my observations as a personal attack! On matters of accountability, my brother suffered from total cognitive dissonance. It had gotten so demonic, Pastor couldn’t have been listening to the call of God.

Finally, I became stirred to speak one last time. Pastor’s response crystallized not only his disobedience to God, but her’s as well.

I said: “brother, her gifting (in a particular area) does not get stronger with age. In fact, it will fade over time.” His response was: “even Caleb was as strong at eighty as he was at forty.”

There are times in ministry when even our leaders suffer blindness.

This statement clarified that not only would he misuse scripture for wicked purposes, he believed his own lies!

That response was so out of context that I have trouble understanding its ignorance years later. It is one thing to struggle through lack of sight. Sometimes, we just do not know any better so how do we do better?

It is quite another to know wickedness, willingly practice it, and then justify its presence.

Sisters in the Lord – I would never encourage rebellion against your husband. Nevertheless, there are times when you must make a choice – “serve mammon or serve God.” Your obedience, to the ‘disobedient,” will not be excused on judgment day.

I so appreciate brother’s witness, if not his willing disobedience to the Word he preaches.

Based on his witness however, I told my wife, and continue to often, she has no obligation to follow me when I’m out of God’s Will. Further, she must never, ever follow me to a place of disobedience. Put more simply: she better not follow me to hell!

The gifts of women are crucial to walk out the ministry God has assigned. Treating our wives as some form of ‘pew trophy’ is neither Holy nor just in the sight of God.

Please, by the mercies of God, do not forsake your ‘liberty in Christ Jesus’ in exchange for being a ‘slave’ to the unrighteous will of others.

Yes, the Bible does say: “wives obey your husbands.” However, this text assumes that husbands are obeying the will of God. Your continued disobedience, in the name of obedience, is nothing more confusion.

That is like saying: “I am dehydrated myself to become more hydrated.” Both cannot be true at the same time. Have you not heard “if I seek to please men, I cannot be the servant of Christ?”

Remember the Wisdom of Abigail

The cost of serving one another cannot come at the cost of serving God. Husbands, even Preachers, can be idiots – me being chief among them.

There will be times when your faithfulness to God will save your husband’s life!

Do not forget the story of Abigail. No, I am not calling your husband as evil as her husband (Nabal).

However, the principle is the same. This young woman was married to a man who was doing wrong. This came before God’s anointed King of Israel – David.

Abigail had to stand in the gap for an idiot husband in front of King David. Her wisdom saved Nabal’s life.

Here is Abigail begging for the life of her idiot husband (1st Samuel 25:22-25):


What is most of the ministry turbulence you are suffering is because of YOUR disobedience to God? Do you truly believe God created you to simply sit there in church, week after week, as a “trophy” to your husband’s “giftedness”?

James wrote: “faith without works is dead.” If you genuinely love him, walk in who God called you to be. I promise this – your boldness will cause a few issues, but eventually, it will encourage you both.

One thing many of us, if not the insecure, respect in our wives is honesty. You may be the vessel God uses to correct the ‘called.’

After all, you are the ONLY ONE(S) we trust enough to truly listen. However, if we are NOT listening to God, how is it possible to listen to you?

Faithful armor bearers to the Man of God must be bold enough to speak the truth in love to their leader(s). Bless them with the same truth they blessed you with.

Finally, Sisters you will have to answer to God for your neglect of what He has given you. I cannot understand the position you are in as a man of course. However, I do not need to.

As with any Believer, your actions and free will choices have consequences. I am not always right as my wife's husband and Pastor. I expect her to walk with God even if that means NOT walking with me for a time.

Choose God over your husband's foolishness, jealousy, and insecurity. After all - "I was obeying my husband" isn't going to cut it with God.

Make the "God" choice.

Header Image Courtesy of Pixabay at Pexels

42 views0 comments


bottom of page